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So I am shopping for a number of props and stuffs for me St. Patty’s Day show “The Song of the Irish Peddler” (This Monday 9:30pm at The PIT).  I needed a beard and a hat, so I went to a Costume store. The staff was super helpful and friendly. The girl in sexy overalls (I didn’t know they existed!) helped me find a beard. Freakier manager gal showed me to the hats and likeable new girl helped me look at hats and decide that they did not have what I needed. As I walked out of this vast costume paradise, the manager lady asked me if I found my hat. I said no, described what I had hoped to find and suddenly got distracted by a “Texas Chain Saw Massacre” toy chainsaw. I picked it up and asked if it came without the blood on it. She said no. I said “I am in need of a chainsaw.” Very simply. And she walked away from me without another word. I was at first confused and then I thought, I must have outfreaked the freak. My casual expression of my very real need for a toy chainsaw convinced her that I was the type of guy that she needed to distance herself from. Physically.  And I imagine that does not happen much at a place that prides itself on having every possible fantasy costume you could dream up.

Anyways, just wanted to share that because I was strangely proud of this today!

When I lived in Oaxaca in 1999 I often crossed the street in front of the school I was attending during break to buy a little snack to hold me over until comida at 2:30 in the afternoon. A small torta. Some cookies. Or my favorite, Dorritos chips with sabor especial. “Sabor Especial” is basically another name for Cool Ranch. I guess that doesn’t exactly translate well. Though, I always felt that “special flavor” sounds like they’re hiding something.

I digress. When I opened up my bag of sabor espeical chips that year, I pulled out a picture of the Pope.

Sometimes, in place of the Pope, there would be a tiny sticker of the Virgin of Guadalupe. Nice.

Well, today I opened a bag of chips to find this:

Has México lost religion…?

Also, we just had a 6.4 earthquake here 40 minutes ago.

[Do I really have to say SPOILER ALERT?]

The only thing more annoying than the previews showing before the Golden Compass is most of the Golden Compass itself. The beginning of this epic flick is confusing and weird. And yet I stand by my original claim that this this movie contains Unparalled Awesomeness. And it came in the same form I suspected. A Polar Bear! But takes a long assed time to get to him.

The opening of this movie involves a little girl. Surprise, surpise. And apparently she might have a “gift.” Or be “the one.” YAWN!!! That’s right. She’s not like the rest of the frighteningly ugly street urchins. Someone really needs to hold auditions for Oliver! in a dungeon and lock the door. The main girl, Lyra has a friend whose nose reaches up into the sky. Which is where much of this movie is focused. The sky. Where the “dust” is! I ask: WTF!?!? My question never gets answered either.

We are further confounded by the idea of daemons; apparently animals that epitomize your soul/spirit that follow you throughout your entire life. Total dragsville. You could see the characters in this thing already getting annoyed with having to hold doors open extra long to allow a grande entrance for an owl or slow wolf or something. And apparently they had that twin effect of feeling the pain that the human feels (ala Tomax and Xamot from G.I. Joe). This idea is challenged when Nicole Kidman slaps her monkey. (Not what it sounds like) When she does this her monkey squeals with pain, but she does not. This is about as far as I got trying to question anything in this film. I needed to relax, drink my Jack Daniels and await the Polar Bears! And that’s just what I did.

So…the near entirely British cast arrives at a port city and Sam Elliot comes out of no where as some modern day Han Solo-type character. Knowing stuff, saying it slow and deeply. Well, he serves one main purpose in this flickerooo and that’s pointing the way to an armored bear.

We first see Iorek Byrnison (the bear) in an alleyway with modern day kegs littered around and a random fire burning to prove that he’s poor. He turns to address the little girl (our heroine) and looks to be about 11 feet tall. Later his height varies from 11′ to about 6′6″. Whilst defining his occupation (he “lifts heavy things”) a man comes out of a bar and spills whiskey in a giant bucket. Iorek suavely turns and chugs a BUCKET OF WHISKEY! I could be wrong but I am pretty sure this is the first time we see a bear of any kind down alcohol. (Winnie the Pooh aside cause I know that was not honey he was so dandy for!) He quickly teaches us that he is down and out cause he was “tricked” out of his armor and the Lyra just as quickly uses her Golden Compass skillz to locate it for him. They become besties!

The next thing you need to know is that Lyra tricks the Polar Bear king into fighting Iorek. Why? Not sure. She was a prisoner of his for some random reason and set up Iorek for release. Whatever, the next thing they are fighting (see Unaparalleled Awesomeness Part 2) and Iorek is all Danielson-ed out with a bite to his arm and busts out his “crane technique” aka he SLAPS THE MUTHAHFUGGIN JAW OFF THE KING BEAR!!!!!!!! This show of brutality is probably a good readon a kid shouldn’t see this, but it is also (along with the whiskey) the only reason you might walk out of the theater thinking that you saw something worth your time and money.

All in all I am skipping a ton of things that happen, some intelligible, most not. Daniel Craig (James Bond) is in it. He gets jumped. There are gypsies and witches. Some kind of government lab experiment with kids. Who knows all! I have not read the books and frankly do not feel I have to since this is a movie and I will judge it just the same as I would any other. All I know is I am proud of Chris Weitz (Chuck from Chuck & Buck) for bringing us the American Pie of this generation. I cannot wait to see Iorek Byrnison go to Band Camp and mangle a trombone.

I realize that as a performance artist I am sort of responsible to keep up with current events and the like. It doesn’t always work that way. I get side tracked by fancy things that twinkle and long conversations about weather patterns. In a effort to be more topical, I would like to bring something truly wonderful to your lexicon.

The Whiskerino

It’s a (sort of underground) beard growing contest. These modern day heroes are growing their beards from November 1 through February 29th. You might think “anyone can grow a beard. Didn’t Scott do it!?” The answer is Yes. Anyone can do it. But not everyone will. In fact, The Whiskerino site has a Wall of Shame (those that started but could not finish). Before you judge, think of the time frame these cultivators of the follicles tread through. The landscape of holidays:

Thanksgiving: “You are making your mother cry, shave that!”

Christmas: “Your father has locked himself in the john, shave it now!”

Hannukah: [No real issue here. Since the Faith seems to be pretty keen on beards.]

Valentine’s Day: “It goes or I go!”

Groundhog’s Day: “Guess we have more winter cause of [blank]’s dumbass beard!”

Charles Dickens Day: “Your whiskers killed Tiny Tim.”

President’s Day: [Again, OK here, since the most badass president Abe Lincoln had one.]

Not to mention the itch. But they persevere and grow. They grow in the face of all of us under the freedom of the North American Free Beard Agreement! They are the BA Barracus to society’s A-Team; the rest of us still make the plans, look good and fly helicopters, but these Whiskerinos buck society with their muscle beards and gold jewelry. And doesn’t that make life worth living? My answer is a resounding more-or-less.

5th Grade was one of the toughest years I have lived. Ms. Trapanese grilled me on the GDP of Guatemala, my soccer team struggled to get a win and Kelly Diamond convinced me to put mine in hers. 9 months later Kyle was born.

6th Grade started off with a bang. I was one of the only kids in school with a kid. Then Kelly moved away and took Kyle with her. I hadn’t seen him until Chris recently found this picture on the internet. My Kyle plays the steel drum. I am so proud of you.